To whom it may concern,
The simple idea that anyone could drive an individual into such a mediocre state of depression is absurd. But the idea that someone who swore they were your friend didn’t help you out, hold your hand, or pull you out of that state is even more absurd. I’m writing today to tell all of you what happened to me these past few days. While leaving out all of the personal names and specific circumstances, I’ll make an attempt at sparing any over exaggerations.
With the eclipse occurring on the 21st, and Mother Nature taking over my lower region, I’ve been a little bit off. There are rumors that people become more sensitive, their weak traits come out more, and several personal aspects can just get screwed up. Well for me? I became vulnerable. School started on Monday, Mother Nature attacked me on the same day, and everything was just falling apart. Until I had somewhat of an epiphany.
The epiphany I had was a cliche, but that doesn’t make it any less of a sudden realization. I had the realization that no one actually cares unless it’s a way for them to use you. Your time, your emotions, your ideas, your love, anything. Regardless of how long you’ve known each other. Regardless of the labels or the open mindedness you’ve tried to achieve. No matter how nice and how rational you try to be to everyone, none of it matters unless they get something out of it. You can give out advice, you can compliment them, you can have civil debates, you can wish them a happy birthday, etc. but no matter what you do. No one really cares.
I’m tired of trying to please everyone. These past few days I took three mental health days from school to just lay in bed, sob, and play games on my iPad. I fell behind in school, I questioned things in my life that I never have before, I blocked everyone on my social media accounts that I thought were annoying, and I even took a depression nap. Which let me tell you, I never ever do. When I take naps, I hibernate. If I’m tired, I drink coffee. But the other day, I took a nap. I was so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that I fell asleep after a disagreement I had with someone very close to me (no names remember?). Last but not least, in my battle with my emotions, I took down my Facebook and closed my Etsy art store. Like I said, I was done.
Even though everything I’ve stated above sounds terribly cliche and not unusual for a 21-year-old engaged college student, I don’t care. My whole family was worried about me, the two friends I have left were worried about me, and even my cats checked on me from time-to-time. I was a complete mess. But someone who I thought would’ve been there for me, wasn’t. I shouldn’t have been surprised honestly, but I was. They proceeded to ignore me crying out for help but continued to reach out to someone else instead.
Needless to say, a few years ended up going down the toilet. I’m finished. I’m done. I’m kaput. I give up. I was at my most vulnerable and at my worst. So whoever wasn’t there for me, doesn’t deserve me at my best. The people who did reach out, however, I greatly appreciate, but after this week the vulnerable Danielle is being put to rest.
I’m tired of tip-toeing around people who are spineless. I’m tired of everyone telling me what is and isn’t correct. I’m tired of everyone being so sensitive and whiny (ironic that I’m whining right now). I’m tired of the few individuals who claim their personal issues are more valid than my own because they’re a little more extreme.
The sad and depressed Danielle is diminished, the walls are back up, and my “doesn’t-give-a-shit” attitude is (hopefully) back for good. Now I can’t promise anyone that this will all stay because who knows, maybe I’ll break down again in the near future, but for now, I’m done. I honestly cannot say that enough. Just the idea that people can be SO horrible is enough for me to make an attempt to stick to this realization.
Also, if you want to come at me (if anyone actually reads this), don’t. Just. Don’t. Because more than likely, the shoe will fit and you’ll find something to argue about and I’m not having it.
With no ragerts,