As with every new year, I get the urge to suddenly write, and generally create. However, with the apt title of “Reflections,” I’m not just going to cover the usual content of the past year, but rather the moment I realized that my life, and my mindset, was going to dramatically shift into a new realm of what I thought possible. Also, due to procrastination and an ongoing quarantine filled with social distancing, this blog is definitely being published later than it should be. What was initially going to be a “new year, same me” post has inevitably turned into another version of my post The Year(s) of Growth.
Technically, my “new year,” didn’t start in January 2019, but rather it started the moment I opened up, I mean really opened up. This moment had to have vaguely been around October 2018, and that was the moment I decided things had to change.
You see, like most, my brain has this natural reaction to be able to conceal things from my past in order to protect me during my present. (See: repressed memories). However, by doing so it’s prevented me from actually recovering from previous wounds I didn’t realize I had.
In 2012, something happened to me, and to refrain from broadcasting further details onto a blog that’s read by family, friends, and strangers alike, I realized that that was what was holding me back for so long. It never occurred to me what actually happened until I opened myself up and had the sudden smack-in-the-face of the reality of it all. Now, as I write this, I realize I don’t owe my story to anybody, let alone my readers, but to be blunt – I was taken advantage of, and it took me nearly seven years to realize it.
So, with that being said… that moment… that smack-in-the-face, was when I knew I had to do more than just open up, I had to do more digging and endure more self-discovery to find out why I am the way that I am. With that being said, since October 2018, this journey hasn’t always been filled with ups, it was more of a roller coaster than anything.
Now, you might question why I didn’t just sign up for therapy in order to pursue this with the help of a qualified professional, but I felt like I had to do it on my own. Not just because I didn’t want to pick up the phone to call, but because I felt it was something I just had to do in my own time.
So, throughout the remaining weeks of 2018, I took the step and cut ties with anyone who led me to self-doubt, anxiety, or anything that made me uncomfortable. I was no longer going to be put in situations where I didn’t feel like I could be myself, and I wasn’t going to be around people who didn’t support me and my craft (my blog, painting, or otherwise).
Afterwards, I started to see things in a different light. By surrounding myself with generally good people, I realized that it doesn’t matter how anxiety-ridden, how crazy my past is, or how scatter-brained I tend to be. As long as I don’t feel judged for who I am as a person, it’s important that the people around me are who I feel comfortable with.
Even as I write this, I feel so much gratitude not only towards my friends, but for my decision to actually do what was needed to be done. 2018 Danielle might have seemed like a broken mess, but 2020 Danielle is better because of it.
Just in the past year-and-a-half, I have:
- Declared a second major (Psychology) to include with my English Writing degree
- Changed my hair pretty drastically
- Made quite a few new friends
- Started, and (temporarily) shut down two new blogs
- GOT MARRIED in May 2019
- Moved into a much bigger space
- Made the Dean’s List not once, but TWO times
- Started a few new hobbies (cross-stitch, cooking/baking, refurbishing)
- Created a new social media presence for streaming games and for my potential YouTube channel/upgraded art store (Dani Darko)
Overall, life has been treating me pretty well! I’ve been communicating with my friends more, and have been thriving in the creativity department. The only downsides are the massive creative blocks and random hits of feeling overwhelmed way too often due to the crushing realization there isn’t enough time… BUT, it doesn’t take me long to overcome it, and with school coming to an end in 6 weeks, it’ll only go up from there.
Stay safe everyone, and I hope that if you made it to the end of this blog, that you took any of this as a way to shine light on the fact that there’s no where to go but up. 2012 is not something I am willing to discuss with anybody, so please respect my wishes and refrain from asking, but I am willing to be there for anybody who needs a friend, some advice, or even just someone to flood their inbox with whenever you need to vent. AllBee There for You might be temporarily closed until I can make a schedule that won’t overwhelm me, but my messages are always open.